IF YOU'VE never been to a festival before, you might be worried that people are going to laugh at you. What if you paint your body the wrong colour, wear the wrong kind of flowers in your hair or accidentally wash your arm pits?
Well, now is the time to stop panicking, start packing and prepare for your big weekend. Luckily, we have put together this handy survival guide with 19 top ways to practice fitting in at festivals. Prepare to be festive!
1. Forget it's the 21st century. Put daisies in your hair and give up all worldly things – apart from real coffee, credit cards and any portable device with a camera, of course.
2. Do NOT use the bathroom for the next four days. There is no need to brush your teeth. If you really must use a flushing toilet, then stand outside the door and invite everyone in your neighbourhood to go first.
3. Don't wash your arm pits. Throw your arms up in the air like you just don't care.
4. On your way to work, put on some big sunglasses. You'll know they are big enough if they could take someone's eye out.
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5. Add a plastic poncho...
6. And some wristbands. If you don't have any wristbands, sneak into a hospital and steal some from newborn babies.
7. Get one of your work colleagues to paint your body blue. If you don't have any paint you could use eye shadow although you will have to be very patient.
8. During your lunch break go outside and roll around in some mud. Look pleased.
9. Get your colleagues to roll in mud too. Even if they have a really important meeting to go to later they will probably thank you for the experience and their softer skin.
10. While you wait for your bus/train home, fall asleep. If you are wearing rubber boots and a tiger suit, then that's great but don't worry if you don't have a tiger suit as they are quite hard to find unless you've planned in advance and bought one online.
11. If you have never been camping before, pick a weekend to try it out with 150,000 close friends. If you have lots of money, you could buy a time machine and try living with a nomadic North American tribe in the 1830s for a bit.
12. If you don't have lots of money, go camping at a waste disposal site.
13. Consider taking a cello.
14. Pitch your tent on top of someone else's. In the night get up and jump up and down on other people's tents until you have flattened them all. In the morning, say "Did you sleep well?" They will see the funny side.
15. If you are going to a really cool festival, now is the time to start practising a crazy stunt with which to impress the other festival-goers. What have you got to lose apart from your life, your arms, your legs, your internal organs, your mind, your dignity, your liberty, your friends and your chance of finding true love and happiness? Absolutely nothing.
16. If you are going to a British festival, now is a good time to buy what they call "wellies". These are British dancing shoes made of rubber. They are also worn to visit farms.
17. During your camping trip, spend every day standing in a field with your fellow campers, staring at some flashing lights in the distance. Your legs won't ache so much if you sit on someone's shoulders although you will have to wave your arms in the air like you just don't care and show everyone how many days it is since you washed your armpits.
18. On your way back home, visit your granddad. Tell your friends that he is a "total legend".
And the number one tip?
19. Put something round your neck. It doesn't really matter what it is - a jewel, a ringpull from a can of Coke, a tooth that has fallen out since you stopped all dental hygiene. It's up to you. But just remember, putting something around your neck is the number one way to fit in at a festival and much more important than buying earplugs or staying hydrated.
One good trick would be to print out this article, stick it in a transparent plastic pocket and tie this round your neck with a shoelace. It will look exactly like a backstage pass. Nobody else at the festival will be wearing one and you might even get to go backstage and meet some bands. If you are really lucky people might think you have a really important job at the festival, like being in charge of security or the toilets. No need to thank me.
IF you like this article, why not read 6 Ways to Network at Festivals and Further Your Career
Photography: All pictures by SWNS
