MENTAL health is a growing problem for students in the UK, but you never expect it to be a problem for you. For me, it was the norm to wake up in the morning and ask myself ‘why have I even woken up?’, ‘what is the point?’. It was the norm for me to go from dancing and singing around the kitchen to sobbing into my pillow in the space of an hour. It was the norm for me to sit for hours in the kitchen with my head on the table, because I felt worthless. It wasn’t until I went to the doctors (after booking and rebooking my appointment several times) that I realised that this was not normal. With a place at the University of Leeds, I became increasingly anxious about dealing with these problems.
On the outside I had, and have, a great life. A long-term boyfriend, a loving family, a place at university. Anxiety creates problems out of nothing. I would have a breakdown because I couldn’t decide whether or not to go for a run. After being put on Citalopram (an anti-depressant that helps with anxiety), my highs were not so high and my lows were not so low, but they were still part of my life; part of my life I had to take with me to university.
At university, missing home and my boyfriend was incredibly painful. I regret that it caused me to visit home more often than I would have liked. I was very lucky to meet some great friends in my flat, and I don’t know what I would have done without them. It took me a while, but I eventually opened up to them about my problems, and this is something I would urge anyone suffering to do. They can now understand that I get anxious over such tiny things. It’s important to be grateful for the ones that care for you, and I am beyond grateful for them.
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At sixth form, loneliness had almost a positive effect on my studies. I would easily be able to lock myself away for hours to revise without distractions, which meant I came out with great grades – but nothing else. No friendships to keep, no memories to look back on. University is a different story. It’s easy to be surrounded by people, but feel completely alone. Down days mean demotivated duvet days, and it can be really hard to concentrate on work. On other days, I feel so anxious about work that I spend hours on it and miss out on socialising. Anxiety makes it hard to create a balance.
At every single doctors’ appointment, I was asked the same question: ‘have you tried counselling?’ No, I hadn’t. I was too scared. Eventually, though, I booked myself in, and it was one of the best things I’ve ever done. The first session was tough. Tears, bad memories, and if I’m honest, I left feeling worse than I did when I went in. But week by week, I saw myself improving, and slowly the tears stopped. Progression was something I had never been able to achieve from talking to my doctor at home, but I did with my counsellor, Joanna. We would get to the root of problems and then she would help me untangle myself out of them. Slowly, I began to rebuild my memories in a way they couldn’t hurt me anymore.
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One of the most beneficial ways to relieve the stress and anxiety of university life is undoubtedly exercise. Endorphins are a better short-term relief than any anti-depressant pill, especially when weighed down with impending deadlines. In my mind I feel like each drop of sweat is a little bit of anxiety escaping my body. Another idea is to write. Each day I try to write five things I’m grateful for, which is a guaranteed positivity booster.
I’m not saying counselling cured me. I have a long way to go. Only recently I forgot to take my pills away with me and it took me about a week to recover from not taking them. This was only days after a doctors’ appointment where the doctor had questioned whether I was ready to come off them. What the experience has taught me is that if you don’t change something, your life will stay the same. You can either continue the way you are, or make a change for the good. So rebook that doctors’ appointment you’ve cancelled five times. Talk to your friend when you’re struggling. Please do not suffer in silence.
Molly is a blogger from Leicestershire, currently studying History and English in her second year at the University of Leeds. She is interested in pursuing travel and magazine journalism, but also focuses on mental health. As well as writing, she enjoys photography and art. The link to her blog is www.supermoll.com.
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